This is a bit of a random post but I thought I write it as I think I will feel a bit better afterwards. Being an adult is hard sometimes, I look back to when I was in school and all I thought was 'wow I can't wait to finish school for good' but by God did we have it easy then! No responsibilities, no bills to pay, and so on. I would give anything to tell my past self to enjoy that period of life as much as possible because it only gets harder.
Work life can be hard. I love my job at the moment and I put all my effort into doing the best job I can and supporting my colleagues as well. However there are some times when even though you put all your effort into something and all your support, people don't do the same back. I work as part of a small team and I like my colleagues very much but sometimes I feel as though how I feel and act towards them is one sided. Also, going back to the school comment, people if you think 'bitchyness' is a playground thing - boy are you wrong! It is throughout life and you will always know people who treat others that way regardless of age, so I'm sorry to disappoint you if you think it all stops the day you walk out of school. Anyway, back to my original point - work can be hard. And sometimes you can work your hardest and find that no matter how hard you try that isn't good enough to get you want you want or where you want to be. And sometimes it may seem that others get what they want regardless of their performance but hey, that's okay! Work can be hard at times but as long as you persist at it and continue to do your best in the long run, even if you don't get the promotion you want or the pay rise you've asked for, it's okay - because you did the best you could do and that's winning at any rate. So when you come home and your tired and stressed from a hard day at work; you know that you did the best you could do and you should be proud of yourself for that!
Now another hard part of being an adult is bills and money! Briefly touching on my previous subject, sometimes you work hard and don't get paid an awful lot for it. And sometimes it feels like you've worked all month and you have nothing to show for it at the end of it all. From trying to manage phone bills and insurance payments; it all comes together at one point and you have to ask yourself 'how the hell did I end up having to pay all this stuff off?!' And I'll tell you how, I personally have a few too many items which I have bought in the past which have been 'little treats' to myself for getting through a difficult time and albeit at one point I've thought 'did I really need that new phone before my contract was renewable?' or 'did i really need to buy that much chocolate last week?' But hey, what is the point of working if you can reward yourself from time to time. My point being that having to pay bills and organise money is part of being an adult and yeah it sucks at times but although you may have to sit there one evening and go through all the receipts you collected in the past month, at least you have something to look at one and think 'well it was worth it' - whether it was a new phone or a big bar of Cadbury's chocolate or a new book; it made you smile when you got it and so what if you have to live off beans on toast for a few days... beans are protein right?
One of the hardest things I have come to realise in the past few months is that relationships are hard - especially when your an adult. Today me and my partner of 6 years decided we needed to go on a break. His mental health issues were playing up, to a point where I was asking myself if it was me who was causing his anxiety and anger. Today I had to walk away from him as his cried because of something he has no control over. And the hardest part was I had to show that it didn't affect me as he shouldn't have to feel bad or guilty for making me upset with something he has no control over. We both suffer from anxiety - mine is mainly around travel - but his is much deeper and harder to help. He panics about everything from trying to keep everyone happy to what if after we die there is just nothingness. Personally I admire him for his dedication to his family and mine as he literally will do anything in his power to try and make everyone happy. And that is why we decided to go on a break today. He was reluctant and on the inside so was I but I knew he needed this and I knew that in the end if it helped him then it will be worth it. But no one tells you this stuff when you're young. I met him when we were both 16 and very impressionable - we both went through an 'alternative' stage! Now, 6 years later we are still working on how to make our relationship the best it can be. We both still live with our parents due to my work (which is extra hard as his little brother's girlfriend is living at his parents house and neither of them work so they get to spend all their time together) and that is hard on us as we only see each other on weekends. We both thought when we were 16 that by 21 we would have our own place and we would begin to think about having children and getting married but things don't always work out that way and they aren't always that straight forward. We have both been through a lot in our 6 years together and neither of us what to throw it away. So we are spending a month apart with no contact at all to see if that gives him the space he needs to try and begin to understand what's wrong and then we can go from there. Don't get me wrong, I am devastated that it has come to this and that I can't help him with his issues no matter how hard I've tried, but I don't love him any less and I look forward to our future together if we can get past this point.
So there it is, my little rant about the fact life can be hard as an adult. If anyone reads this and has some advice which would be helpful please feel free to leave a comment for me.
- A x